The amount of lip balm I own is honestly embarrassing. You know that ambiguous movie situation where one character hides all of their shameful things, but then it comes spilling out and the illusion is ruined? That’s me and lip balm. The illusion is my self-respect. But hear me out before making those judgey faces, bystanders: I live in the “LOL I want to die”-cold area of Chicago, and if there is anywhere that calls for balm upon balm, it’s here. So I’ve gotten around the lip balm block, seen a few things, picked up some intel on which kinds of personalities go for what kind of stick. Posted up on that drugstore beat, if you will. Read on to see what I’ve observed, and what your lip balm says about you.
Disclaimer: It’s okay for me to do this because I have all of them. I also have a problem, thank you for your concern.Plain Chapstick: The Ron Swanson of lip balms, you like your things to do what they do and just that, and your government to do even less. No frills, you’re into that utilitarian way of life. You enjoy log cabins and unsalted Saltines.
Badger Balm: You tried making an all-natural lip balm from Youtube, but it didn’t work out and this was the next best option. One time you read a study about how much lead we ingest from lip products, and you haven’t been the same since. Now you spend a lot of time in Whole Foods. You don’t like taking cold medicine, because you know about the super-bacteria coming, you know what the government’s hiding from us. You’re still figuring out the complete power of positive thinking, and chia seeds.
Nivea Lip Butter: These things are winners, and you’re a winner too (you also might be Tracy Flick). Your resume is filled with leadership positions. You’ve tried every lip balm under the sun and through a careful combination of research, testing and analysis, you’ve settled on these guys to be your one and only. You’re not the biggest fan of the less-than-sanitary finger to lip application, but you do what you have to do, bacteria and bylaws be damned. You’re probably not a Bio major.
Fresh Sugar: Ooh, you fancy! You got a gift card to Sephora for the holidays, and this lip balm is your escape from everyday life. Ironically, though, you’re so paranoid about running out that you rarely apply it, suffering through the pain and waiting for those moments that really deserve it. This is your special occasion lip balm. This is your me time. People ask if they can borrow your lip balm and you lie straight to their faces.
Eos: You value ergonomic design in all aspects of your life, most especially your lip products. You gravitate towards modernist Ikea furniture, even though you’ve sat in those Bernhard chairs for longer than a minute and wow, that is not a small amount of back pain. But, it’s a form over function life. We all make sacrifices. You’re a little condescending to your simple, primitive lip balm-stick friends, but this doesn’t fit into any pockets so you think you’ve earned it. Blistex: One time your lips fell off, and now you’re not taking any chances. RIP, lips.
Agree, disagree, feel like an Eos trapped in the body of a Chapstick? Or is your identity not solely determined by your material possessions? Weird, teach me your ways!
Featured image via AllThingsHerbal.com.
Rachel Nussbaum is a junior at Northwestern University, majoring in magazine journalism. She owns more lip products than she’ll ever admit to, and identifies most with the smiling poop emoji.