9 Ways to Pretend That You Know a Lot About the Superbowl

There are times in your life when you’re going to need to become what I like to call an ‘Expert Bullshitter’.  Being an Expert Bullshitter can be very helpful for things such as job interviews, blind dates, class discussion points, and, in cases such as mine, pretending to know a lot about sports.  Look, I’m a sports fan. I love the Ravens and the Caps, and I watch the games and know the players. But I don’t memorize stats or drop everything I’m doing to watch a game because, you know, I have a life, and I definitely don’t bleed purple because I’m pretty sure that means you have an STD. But there are times when I like to pretend to know more about sports than I actually do, such as when I want to look cool at game-viewing parties or when I’m talking to a guy.  And since there’s this little-known event called the Super Bowl coming up right around the corner, these situations are going to turn into reality very shortly.

Now, ladies, please do not take this the wrong way.  I’m not advocating changing yourself for a guy or anything stupid like that, and I’m definitely not saying that anybody NEEDS to know about sports to impress people. You do you.  Furthermore, I understand that there are plenty of you out there that know even more about sports than most guys, and I applaud each and every one of you. I am most definitely not one of you, and I know I am not alone in that regard.  So for the rest of you ladies, read on, and prepare to be the baddest bullshitting bitch at your Super Bowl party (or any other place where pro sports may take you):

1. Do five minutes of research before the event and look up the coaches, owners, and starting players of each team.  Seriously.  Five minutes.  Knowing at least the bare minimum about each team will give you way more street creed than those fake eyelashes you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to glue on for the past half hour.

2. If you’re engaging in witty sports banter and have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, relax.  Take a deep breath.  ALL you have to do in these situations is repeat what the other person says, but change the wording ever-so-slightly.  For example, if Six-Pack Patrick says, “I really think we have a good shot at winning if Coach Carroll sticks with the spread offense,” all you have to do is say, “I agree, I think the spread system will give us the best chance of winning.”  If he says, “We totally could have won that game,” simply add, “I agree, we beat ourselves.” Works like a charm.

3. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT argue with somebody about sports unless you really and truly know what you’re talking about.  I don’t care if Cosmo told you that it’s flirty to argue with a guy, he’s going to make you look like a complete moron.  Guys know more about sports than they know about their families, Megan Fox, or their own penises.  If you argue with a guy over sports, he will start spitting facts and figures at you until you get more confused and disoriented than Ryan Lochte in a library.  Absolutely nothing is worse than listening to a guy going on and on and on about how his NFL team is better than yours because HIS quarterback only had 0.3 interceptions per game last season while yours had 0.49 and how his team is averaging 383.2 yards per game while yours is averaging 322.3, and having literally no idea what to say in response other than, “Uh….yeah….but our quarterback is hotter…?”  So not attractive. 

4. If you are truly dedicated to pretending to be a sports buff, pick one player on your team of choice and learn a decent amount of info about him. You don’t need to know his career stats or his social security number, but you should know when he got to the team, what his position is, and what that position does (Does he catch shit? Does he throw shit? Does he run people over? Does he stand in a box?). The key, of course, is to pick a player that gets a decent amount of playing time, but isn’t the star of the team. For example, it’s way too obvious if you say that Peyton or Sherman is your favorite, but at the same time, you don’t want to go around raving about a third-string quarterback that doesn’t even own a jersey yet.  Pick a nice, middle-of-the-pack player that gets a solid amount of playing time and isn’t too controversial.  This way, when the topic of sports comes up, you can confidently say, “So-and-so’s my favorite,” and cite a few key stats about him.  And this, my friend, will get you a free drink from any guy within earshot.

5. Important note: KEEP TRACK OF WHETHER OR NOT HE IS ACTUALLY PLAYING. Nothing is worse than raving about somebody’s performance in last night’s game and not realizing that said player tore his ACL two weeks ago.

6. Also, and this is key, make sure that the player is NOT attractive.  Leave the pretty boys for Gisele and your bedroom walls.  If your “favorite player” is super attractive, either people are just going to assume that you like him because he’s hot, or guys are going to get super insecure and defensive, just like you do whenever a guy within earshot brings up his favorite Victoria’s Secret model (“Ewwwww her?  She’s not that hot! She looks like a 12-year-old boy!” Just drop the act, girl, nobody’s buying it.)

7. Watching a game with a group?  DO NOT INITIATE ANY REACTIONS. That’s how those dreaded cheering-for-the-wrong-team incidents happen, and there is absolutely no way you’re ever going to be able to recover from that.

8. While watching a game with a group, simply imitate the reactions of the crowd, but if you want to seem like a really hardcore fan, take it up a few notches. For example, if everybody is going, “Ugh what a terrible call,” you can go, “WHAT IN THE NAME OF MOTHER-F*{*]%{% HELL WAS THAT S%{* I’M GOING TO SET THAT MOTHER-F*{^*{^ REF’S FAMILY ON FIRE!!!!!!” Depending on how dedicated you are to your performance, you’ll probably get kicked out and/or arrested, but at least you’ll seem knowledgable while you’re doing it.

9.  And most importantly, if you’re watching a game, don’t stress too much.  Everybody knows that sporting games are little more than a thinly veiled excuse to get drunk.  By the end of the game, everybody will be sufficiently drunk and forget everything you said anyways.

So there. Go forth and prosper, my precious little new sports buffs, and happy Super Bowling!

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