Proof That Cosmo Has the Dumbest Flirting Tips Ever

Alright, how many times has this happened to you?  You’re at a bar—or a house party, or a frat basement, or whatever.  You see a cute guy across the room.  He can still stand and talk coherently, he doesn’t have his hand down his pants, and he isn’t peeing into a trash can.  Score!  You decide that you’re going to get him to talk to you—because of course he has to initiate it.  Duh.  So you saunter over, find a good friend in the vicinity (say, somebody that you had class with 2 years ago and haven’t spoken to since), and strike up a conversation, making sexy eye contact with Cute Seminormal Guy the whole time because that’s GUARANTEED to make him come over, right?  And he……..starts macking on some other girl.  Or macking on some other guy.  Or peeing in a trash can.  Awesome.

Or how about when you do actually manage to talk to the guy and end up babbling like some kind of uncontrollable moron, because you don’t know what to say and you’re afraid of awkward silences?  Newsflash, going on and on, “Yeah so this weather, yeah it’s cold out!  I had to wear three sweaters today!  Three!  It was so cold that my lips are blue!  Yeah I think I might’ve gotten hypothermia……..” is not flirting.  But we all do it anyway, because flirting is hard.  Dating is hard.  Talking to boys is hard.  So it’s only natural that we all turn to advice to help us, and for many girls, Cosmo seems to be the go-to source for flirting tips.  But that, ladies, is a TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA, because if you actually read Cosmo and look up their flirting tips……well, you’re going to find shit like this:

“Tell a capable cutie that you have a minor emergency: an itch you can’t reach.”  I guarantee you the guy is going to think that you’re talking about your boobs.  I absolutely, 100% guarantee that the guy is going to think that you’re giving him a go-ahead to grope your lovely lady lumps, because guys only hear what they want to hear.  Don’t risk it.

“At a bar or coffeehouse, use the tip of your tongue to lick beer or espresso foam from your lip.”  Espresso Foam Mustaches: Helping People Get it On Since the 1970s.

“Pull out a copy of the Kama Sutra from your bag and say, ‘Would you be interested in joining my book club?’”  Oh. My. God.  Who ARE these people?

“At a café, dip your finger in your dessert, put it in your mouth, and slowly pull it out while eyeing a hot guy.”  Please don’t try this with an ice cream cone.  I mean, don’t try this with any dessert ever, but especially don’t try this with an ice cream cone.

“At a restaurant, ask if you can borrow his salt shaker — even if you have to cross the room to get it.”  Salt shaker?  Come on, Cosmo, I thought you were wilder than that.  What you should really do is cross the room, ask to borrow the stick of butter on his table, dip your finger in the stick of butter, put it in your mouth, and slowly pull it out while eyeing him. Get on my level, bitches.

“Pique his curiosity by carrying an out-of-place prop like a yoga mat at a business meeting or a sketch pad at a bar, and you’ll open the door for coy conversation.”  I say, if you’re trying to use the most ridiculous means possible to start a coy conversation, why stop at a yoga mat?  Why not bring a cooler labeled, “Human Head?”  Or a medieval sword?  Or a baby that isn’t yours?  Talk about a coy conversation, huh?

“Tell him you have a unique proposition: You’ll buy him a drink in exchange for an entertaining conversation.”  Isn’t that how ALL bar propositions work?  Buying somebody a drink is kind of pointless if that person then takes the drink and leaves to go make out with someone in the bathroom.  I’m just saying.

“Enlist him to guard the door to the ladies’ room.”…………. What, so he can go hear you take a dump?  I think not.

“Become the bar mix-master at a friend’s party. Stir things up and offer him a sample of your special potion.”  You know that Cosmo has shitty flirting tips when they’re resorting to telling girls to roofie their potential dates.  Look, I’m all for being aggressive, but let’s keep it legal.

“Stroll over to a bored boy and inform him that you’re from social search-and-rescue. Your mission? To save him from a dull night.”  I don’t…I just…….I can’t……no. Just no.

And yes, these are all REAL Cosmo flirting tips, that somebody, somewhere, actually thought were good.  Just let that one sink in.

I promise you do not have to stoop to this level of ridiculousness to attract the attention of a guy.  Flirting may be hard, but let’s not make it even more complicated than it needs to be.  So, I absolutely, 100% warn you, if you do not want to die alone, please do not take a word of what Cosmo says seriously.

Image: http://leayouthservices.org

Laura is a junior psychology major at the University of Maryland.  Her hobbies include teaching Zumba, hiking, drinking moscato, and, most of all, watching Law & Order SVU.   You can check out more of her work at her blog, Socially Awkward College Girl Problems,  and follow her on Twitter at @lwhit_the_boss.  

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