Happy Holy (shit, it’s finals) Days!

It’s that time of year again, ladies and gents, the time of year we dread oh so much and wish we could fast forward through. To quote Green Day, “wake me up when finals end.” That doesn’t seem right. Oh well.

The phases of studying for finals, though different for everyone, are pretty universal. These phases include our realization and shock of what the finals gods have in store for us, deciding to study or not to study, since that is always the question, and praying for a passing grade. So, without further adieu, I digress into said phases.

The holy shitballs and every other combination of curse words you can think of to describe your anxiety of what’s to come phase. This phase includes constant worrying about the piles of work and papers and exams that will soon overflow our brain capacities. Cue the inevitable freak out or panic attack. Time to shed a tear, or two or three, until you finally come to terms with the journey that is studying.


Acceptance. In phase two, an individual welcomes the idea of nine page study guides and incessant amounts of flashcards. Time to get down to business; you can do it.


Procrastination nation. This is the phase in which you realize time is indeed running out and without a seat in your favorite study spot, there may be no hope. Time to find your nook in Club McKeldin, Van Munch or even Hornbake Library. McKeldin is great for the individual who needs a café just floors below or a place to do group projects. Van Munch is the epitome of a social scene. We suggest finding a discreet classroom in the building, which will allow for optimal study indulgence. Dare to be different? Try Hornbake Library, an extremely underrated study spot with cubicles galore. Only downfall? They don’t allow snacks. Anything is possible, though, as I have been known to sneak some chocolate into said cubicles. Don’t tell President Loh!


#NoSleep #NeedHelp. Time for some liquid courage. Coffee, that is! Caffeine is your new best friend during these horrible study sessions. Adderall use is also at an all-time high during this week. Keep in mind, only use this alternative if you have a prescription, people. Be careful, though, as Adderall often has the reverse affects, and you may find yourself backstalking yourself through 3,000 Facebook photos. It happens to the best of us.


I’m a mathematician. Everyone is all too familiar with this phase, the one that skyrockets your mathematical ability to the moon. Not good at math? You don’t say, because you’ve definitely computed the exact minimum grade needed to achieve a passing grade. This phase includes furious calculations, last minute extra credit and a lot of prayer.


Fuck it. After cleaning your room until it’s spotless, looking through all your high school Facebook photo albums or eating cake, you give up on all the studying you haven’t even done. Getting a good night’s sleep is totally more important, right? Going to sleep will totally help you retain all this information. Time to get in bed, cuddle up with your stuffed platypus and watch some Netflix. Does no one else sleep with a stuffed platypus? Awkward.


The final countdown. Wake up, get dressed, and get your No. 2 pencils ready. Time to blaze the storm that is your final exam. At this point, there is nothing more you can do.


Regardless of how you endure these phases or how you choose to answer the ever popular “to study or not to study” question, finals are approaching, and you better get ready in any way you possibly can. Grab your calculator, a latte and some patience because it’s time to get down to work. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.


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