It’s Hunting Season

We all remember our awkward preteen and early high school days—retainers, double popped collars, and of course the three A’s: Aeropostale, Abercrombie and American Eagle. Some things are okay to attach to from our “glory” years, the three A’s are not some of them. The ONLY brand you should have on your shirt is your school or your Greek letters. Remember, no one likes a label whore! So ladies and gents, I officially present to you why our formerly beloved brands are no longer acceptable.

Aeropostale:
Branded for the middle school teenybopper, and made to fit those built like a 10-year-old, this is the worst of the bunch.

-The sizing is equivalent to Baby Gap. I’m a small girl, but the last time I purchased a pair of pants from Aero (for work related purposes only, I swear) I had to go about 4 sizes up. If your body in any way resembles that of a college girls, you’re not doing yourself any favors looking like you borrowed an outfit from your younger sister’s closet.

-The plaid shorts have got to go. It was cute when you were in middle school and it made it easy to match your shirt to your pants. But you are an adult now; so dress like one.

-My 12-year-old niece is wearing Aeropostale. Did I mention she’s 12? And in Middle School?

Abercrombie and Fitch:
This is the second worst brand to be wearing in college (sorry Hollister kids, you are part of the A&F umbrella). Let me be clear, I’m not talking about jeans; they fit me like a glove. I’m talking about anything that has a giant moose or seagull on it.

-First thing’s first, the drama with their “pretty and skinny people only” attitude was enough to turn any self-respecting individual off. I mean have you seen the guy who made the remark? He’s no looker. Can you say hypocrite?

-The smell, that God-awful smell, and the music. There isn’t enough Claritin in the world to prevent my allergy attacks whenever I walk past the store. On the off chance I do go in, my hearing is gone by the time I’ve left. Plus, am I the only one who feels like I’m stuck listening to auto-tuned Kids Bop on repeat?

-Can I also just address their overly priced “looks like something my grandma would knit me” holiday collection sweater? I really hope that isn’t a thing anymore, because anyone who would actually wear one is out of his or her damn mind!

American Eagle:
The most acceptable of the three A’s to wear as a college adult. At one point, they were Abercrombie’s less popular peer. However, I think they finally got their stuff together and have moved toward a more mature audience. That still doesn’t excuse the fact that when I see a group of visiting school kids on campus wearing it, I have trouble distinguishing them from my fellow Terps.

-Listen, I get it! We all had the A&E madras shorts and skirts as high school boys and girls. However, wearing them today might actually be worse than sporting a solid plaid on account of it not matching at all. I like to mix patterns myself, but this plaid on plaid on plaid look is not cutting it anymore.

-Let’s also talk about Aerie. Not like I would personally ever fit into one of their bras (whomp, whomp) but any 15-year-old girl who shops at A&E probably shops here too. Someone please tell me why under the age of consent lingerie is acceptable?

-I hear my friends talking about an “all access pass” sometimes? What is this mysterious thing I have never heard of? Do I get points for purchasing their “wish I was still in high school” collection? Is this their corporate bribe to make me want to be a 15-year-old again? So many questions, so little time!

Until next time, keep it classy College Park. And remember, The Miley Effect does not work for your old high school duds.

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