Everyone hates going to the gym. Even you people who lie about exercise giving you these imaginary endorphins and all that crap. When you so-called ‘gym rats’ say stuff like that you literally make the majority of the population, including myself, want to punch you. Despite how much going to the gym sucks, we all have to go at least once in a while so we don’t get winded walking up that treacherous hill to Stamp.
Whether you are simply trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, or trying to burn off all those calories that you consumed last weekend, Campus Recreation Services attract all walks of College Park life.
The Spandex Sorority Sister
There’s always that one biatch who is on the StairMaster wearing nothing but her itty-bitty spandex, slashed TerpThon tank-top, and neon sneakers. And of course, all of the dudes can’t stop ogling her. Excuse me, but I thought the whole point of going to the gym was to tone your body, not show it off to us less fortunate people!? I’m sorry girls, but if this is your gym uniform, save the flashy tanks for like NEVER, and come dressed properly for the gym.
The Has-Been High School Athlete
You’re going for a nice steady jog on a treadmill and you glance over to the machine next to you and see a tall and lanky guy sprinting for his life. He’s obviously an ex-cross country runner trying to make you feel bad about your 10-minute mile. Or you spot a girl wearing pre-wrap, half calf socks and a sports camp pinny while running backwards training for the lacrosse game she’ll never play in. Guys, get over yourselves and realize that your varsity days are over for good.
The Gym Virgins
These kids, who are usually dressed in a matching Adidas track suits and bright red Converse high-tops, stick out more than a spray tan. Us frequent gym goers always see these guys at the beginning of the semester trying to fit into the college gym scene. They are either running in the opposite direction on the track at Eppley, or trying to snatch treadmills without signing in on the sheet during the gym rush hour. Seriously you newbies need to either learn the unspoken rules of the gym or go play Quidditch on the Mall.
The Weight Room Warriors
I swear to God you can’t be a guy on this campus if you don’t have one of those ridiculous protein shake cups or wear bro tanks while ‘lifting’ in the weight room at Ritchie. Some of the guys here obviously are too jacked up as it is and need to stop pumping before they turn into an Arnold Schwarzenegger. On the other hand, there are those puny looking guys who want to get ‘swoll’ so badly but will never increase their muscle mass because they can barely lift more than 30lbs. And finally there is always that one girl who thinks she can hang with the guys, but ultimately only ends up doing two reps before she flees back to the cardio room to bike with the rest of her bitties.
The Basketball Bros
Wait, where is that painfully annoying squeaking sound coming from? Oh I know, it’s the guys playing a pickup game of basketball in the indoor courts. Chances are, there is always some cluster of sweaty guys trying, and failing miserably, to be our very own Jake Layman. It might as well be considered D1 tryouts minus the coaches, scouts and well importance. But seriously guys, leave the rules and regulations for the pros.
The Freshmen Females
It may be hard to spot a freshman walking around on the Mall, just kidding it’s easier than getting lost in the Bio-Psych Building. But anyways, it’s incredibly easy to spot the freshmen girls at Eppley because they are all lined up like cattle an hour early for YogaFlow. The overload of Terp gear that they wear almost makes me want to kick them during Kickboxing class. But I am comforted with the thought that in two weeks they’ll be in over their head with all of their ‘difficult’ ENGL101 homework and will stop coming to the gym all together.
The Rhythm-less White Girl
For all you ladies out there who plan on going to that new hip-hop class this semester, be careful you don’t end up being that one girl who cannot ‘shake what her mama gave her’ because it’s always easy to spot her when you walk by Zumba. She is always in the back of the room trying so hard to mimic the instructor but instead she moves with the rigidness of a flagpole. Ladies, if you find yourself always one booty pop behind, save yourself from the embarrassment and wait to dance at the next grimy frat party you go to where everyone will be too drunk to remember you tripped over your own feet.
The Astray Adult
There’s always one mom or dad figure roaming around the gym. If you’re in the cardio area, a bearded professor wearing some sweet New Balances and short shorts left over from the early 70s can always be spotted trying to keep up on his fitness as he ages into retirement. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you can even spot President Loh getting fit by biking a few miles.
The Frustrating Fitness Instructors
As a frequent Group Fitness attendee, I’ve come to have a hate-hate relationship with the instructors. I hate how they yell at me to keep planking until my abs rip themselves open, and they hate whining girls like me who put their knees down ten seconds into the exercise. They’re all probably really nice in real life, but when I’m in that room during Body Pump all I want to do is crawl into a corner, cry into the yoga mats, and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
Now when you go the gym, use this guide to see if you can spot all of these people. There’s so many of them that you might just be able to see all of these types of people in just one workout! Comment below with the types of people you spot at Eppley or Ritchie!