Now correct me if I’m wrong, but life definitely becomes more exciting when you add alcohol into the mix. Oh, you’re in college?! Well ladies and gents, that right there gives you full permission to shamelessly become an alcoholic for four years…maybe more, no judgment here. But let’s back track and talk about the intoxicating beverages that never cease to get us into some crazy, weird and unforgettable situations (Alright, forgettable in most situations).
Whether you’re feelin’ buzzed, tipsy, sloppy, or even reckless, there’s no doubt that your drink of choice reflects a little bit about your personality…or at least your predetermined drunken goals for the night. So without further ado let’s take a look at what your drink says about you.
Beer: You’re most likely a dude hanging out with your frat bros in the basement of your STD infested satellite house drinking the finest brand of beer in all of College Park: Natty Light. And if you’re not a guy dressed head to toe in pastels, you’re probably a pretty chill chick who’s down for a fun night with some friends in said grimy frat house basement. Lose the “OMG beer like makes me all like bloated and stuff” mentality; you’re a diamond in the rough. Helloooo beer pong, flip cup, and chandeliers.
Vodka Soda: You’re that skinny bitch (Or wannabe skinny bitch) who wants to get drunk with the “least amount of calories possible.” Beer? Ew, that shit like makes me like bloat and burp. Long Island? Ugh, do you know how many calories are in that?! Fine, brush off these perfectly good mind-numbing drinks, but make no mistake, you will be stumbling back to your place (or someone else’s) and raiding the pantry to stuff your face with the highest calorie foods known to man. Ratsies, Jimmy John’s and Shanghai, oh my! Don’t you just love the drunchies?!
Redbull Vodka: You’re probably that person who takes that “I WANNA GET TRASHED FASTER THAN ANYONE ELSE” attitude and actually goes through with it. You, my friend, are ready for one hell of an eventful night leading well into the A.M (or the front door of some mystery boy’s bedroom). That being said, don’t be surprised the next morning when you find yourself walk of shaming across campus from the Delta Chi house. They banned Four Loko in certain places for a reason, guys.
Wine: You think you’re one classy broad while you furiously slap the bag in the middle of AEPi. And come on, you’re a college student. If it isn’t out of the boxed variety, you’re spending your money in the wrong place. I’m all for poppin’ bottles, believe me, but save that ’98 Pinot for a special occasion that doesn’t take place at a frat party or bents. Oh and nobody orders wine at the bars…you’re just asking to be a social pariah.
Long-Island: Gin, tequila, vodka and rum?! You’re reckless and a danger to all those around you. Ha, just kidding! But seriously, you’re just asking to blackout and end up waking up naked in places you’ve never seen before. Period. Be sure to have a friend on speed dial when you need to ask someone how to get back home from the corner of Knox and whatever that other street sign says.
Tequila: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor! Now we all know you need some sort of validation when this becomes your drink of choice. Once you lick the salt, take the shot and nearly inhale the lime, you’re down for pretty much anything, and you might even get into a fistfight with a random person you see across Bentleys, Barking Dog or Cornerstone (All prime bar fight territory.) Have fun with the worst hangover of your life in the cozy confines of hospital walls!
Zelko: Well this is obvious. You’re a frat bro on a budget, because this is the only brand of vodka that’ll help you save money when the time comes to throw Alpha Phi the most epic social in Greek life history. You’re most likely drinking this because everyone else drank all the beer or you just want to get hammered. You may even be holding the entire handle while breaking it down by the stripper pole in SAM. For those of you who say it “goes down like water,” STOP because this stuff tastes like straight rubbing alcohol mixed with some other toxic cleaning product.
Water: Why are you even out tonight…?! Either your religion prevents you from drinking alcoholic beverages (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt in this case), or you’re the DD for the night. Either way, I feel bad for you and I’m sure the majority of Terps will sympathize. Sorry dude, but you’re the lucky one who has to deal with everyone’s obnoxious intoxicated state while you’re like…sober.
So next time you decide to drink irresponsibly when going out, keep some of these situations in mind and think twice before you do anything that may involve alcohol being in the picture. But then again, no great story has ever started with someone drinking water. Whether you like these concoctions shaken or stirred… drink up fellow Terps!